Turning to the Psalms

The book of Psalms is my favorite in the Bible and has always been the safe place I run when life overwhelms me.  Since the time I was a young, to the darkest days of my life, to this very morning when I opened its pages, I find deliverance and wisdom for living there like no other place in the world.

   

I was first introduced to the power of the Psalms at the tender age of four. Growing up, I was a fearful child to whom the world loomed large. Every day of my young life was filled with nervousness and anxiety.   But one morning I found something that helped.  Sitting crossed-legged on the Sunday School room floor, I listened as the teacher opened to Psalm 23 and began reading a beautiful word picture of Jesus as my Shepherd… “leading beside still waters (2),” where I could “fear no evil (4).”  The sweetness spoken whispered peace to my sensitive soul and I yearned to hear more of these kind words filled with so much truth, love, and care for me.

 As I got a little older, the Psalms became the first place I’d flip whenever I opened my Bible.  The verses resonated so I consistently I felt I could have written each one.  And having always battled that deep, on-going fear, it was a balm to know I wasn’t alone---that David had felt those same things too, and that most importantly, he had found consolation and help.  Many nights, the pages brought such comfort I even slept with my Bible under my pillow!  I slumbered in peace knowing that there is Someone to whom even the night is not dark (139:12), and in Whom I can trust and not be afraid (56:3).

 Around this time, I stumbled across Psalm 91 and it quickly became my favorite chapter in the Bible (and remains so to this day). Oh, the peace it brought my heart!  I read its verses over and over and always felt better, stronger, more whole with each recitation. Much like the 23^rd Psalm, it painted pictures that stirred my imagination and captured me with its promises.  The idea of God’s “covering” was something my young heart visualized easily:  that “he who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty, (1)” and that “He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge (4),” “For He gives His angels charge over you to keep you in all your ways….(11-12).”  All 18 verses were the exact medicine my worrisome heart needed. I memorized each one and can’t begin to recount the number of times they have been right there with me when I needed them most.

After experiencing the comfort of Ps. 91, when I reached my teen years I committed to reading a chapter of Psalms every night, starting with chapter 1 and moving forward. The task seemed a little daunting at first and I doubted it would be worth the time and effort.  But I gave it a try, and was surprised at what I uncovered.  I found that my favorite book was more than just a place to open up and find verses when I needed a blast of encouragement.  Instead, it was chocked full of chapters like 23 and 91, and the more consistently I read them, the more steadiness I found in my day, and the more confidence I felt in my choices for living (and for a teenager that’s saying something!)  But perhaps the most miraculous and unexpected gift I received from reading through the Psalms was a deliverance from the bondage of fear that had plagued me for so long.  It was wondrous to witness firsthand the power Scripture can give over a life-long stronghold like that.

 Of course I didn’t recognize it at the time, but on top of providing freedom and guidance, my little “read through the Psalms” experiment also created space in my life for a regular devotional time with the Lord (a tool that any pastor or Christian counselor will point to as an essential part of victorious living). It is a discipline I still keep daily, and in which I never fail to find inexplicable power. No one will ever waste time in God’s word, and I am so glad I started that practice young.

 Looking back, I wonder if perhaps God fortified my heart in His Word at such early age because He knew how much I would need it as I entered adulthood.   My 20’s were filled with many ups and downs, but four years ago (around my 30^th birthday) a suffering slammed into my world that left me reeling and desperate beyond anything I’ve ever known.  It started one morning shortly after my daughter was born--my lower back completely gave out and the doctors pointed to the problem being several disks in my spine that were greatly compromised. This led to a series of four major back surgeries, all of which failed to correct the problem.  I’ve lived through a nightmare of operations, hospitals, pain, and depression-- times when death swirled around me, times when I was tempted to give up.  But even in that tremendous oppression, I knew I wasn’t alone.  I knew where to turn.   I had seen too much of God and His power to ever really doubt His Word.  I also knew from experience that nothing could speak deliverance to my heartache like my very favorite book in the Bible.  Turning to the Psalms had almost become a habit-- a perfect, life-affirming habit that spoke truth into my darkest days, and peace into the hot, spiraling pit of hopelessness.

Even now as I deal with the aftermath of it all, navigating life as a young wife and mother who lives with severe pain, I find much of my daily strength in that same sweet book.  When I doubt God’s goodness, I’m reminded that he is “kind,” “good” and “merciful (116:5).”  When I find it hard to pray, I’m assured He “knows my thoughts (139:2).”  When I wonder if He is truly there and really loves me, I am guaranteed “He hems me in behind and before” (139: 5), and that He loves me with an everlasting love (all of ch. 136).

I could never have dreamed as a little girl listening to Psalm 23 how crucial this book would be for me over the years.  In every Bible I own the Psalms are well-worn, well-underlined and well-read.  They continue to be the first lifeline I turn to, and they always will be. I am forever changed because of its priceless 150 chapters and the peace my young heart found there all those years ago.

 Chapters that have meant the most to me:

Psalm 139 (God’s personal attention to us)
Psalm 91 (God’s protection and safety)
Psalm 23 (God’s sweet and tender care)
Psalm 40 (God’s deliverance from the pit)
Psalm 147 (God heals and finds favor)

A Great Couple with a Great New Endeavor

Back in the early days of facebook, I was happy to reconnect with a famously nice guy I’d known in high school, Mike Ritter.  I knew that since I had last seen him, he’d been in a gymnastics accident that left him paralyzed from the neck down.  So, I was eager to hear how he was doing and interested to see in pictures that he was dating a darling blond news journalist (who graduated from the same college I had) and that their relationship was getting serious.  Mike and I chatted back and forth as I asked how they had met and so on and so forth, and he sent me a link to a little blog she wrote.

Her name was Dana, and I instantly liked her (and her blog.)  She wrote about her life and being in news and posted up-beat antidotes and humorous things that happened thruout her day. She was cute, funny and obviously head over heels in love with Michael. I continued to follow their journey there-- thru their romantic engagement, their storybook wedding and I was thrilled to hear about their plans to merge her blog into one that she and Mike planned to write together as newlyweds. In the first few months of their marriage, they posted several times about date nights, recipes, and talked a bit about living in Washington DC where Dana was now working as a White House correspondent. They seemed so happy and so in love.
But then the posts stopped.  Several months went by, and I wondered about them often, and I hoped life had just gotten really busy for them.
Then one morning I logged on to read a very real, very raw, very BRAVE post from Dana. She talked about how she had decided to be honest, and to say that the transition to her new life as a wife and caregiver had been much tougher than she ever expected.  She said she had been dealing with some major grief over the permanence of Michael’s affliction, and that she was pretty sure she was wading thru depression too.  It wasn’t a cry for help…she was getting that.  It was just a “Hey. This is who I am and where we are and I am not ashamed to say so. ”  

And I remember being so proud of her-- this girl I really didn’t even know. Anyone from the outside could easily look at Mike and Dana’s marriage and know that it wouldn’t be easy for them. But it was so courageous of her to be able to admit it publicly and so caring of Michael to let her.

And so, they kept on writing on the blog. And from that point on, they made the conscious decision to not sugar-coat anything—they’d talk about it all…the unbelievably happy times, the sweet romantic times, the crazy fun times, and the down-right sad and terrible times.  And since Dana’s first courageous post back in 2010, Mike and Dana have stayed true to that.  They are real, relatable, laugh-out-loud funny, and oh-so-approachable and honest.  Dana has said that in her darkest days navigating that first year of marriage she felt like she couldn’t find anyone else in the world in a similar situation.  I mean, how many others out there are happily in love, just landed their dream job, and are a newlywed and caregiver to a quadriplegic?  
So Dana and Mike created what she couldn’t find, hoping that thru their honesty they could help others. And they have.  Their blog has exploded.  Others in similar situations have flocked to them for help and support.  Others feel safe saying their life is hard, because they know Mike and Dana understand. They have worked with Joni and Friends, ministered to wounded soldiers, and even created a Facebook page that connects spouses dealing with all sorts of disability in marriage.  Thru their candidness and drive to help others, I am convinced that in many ways they are even changing the face of the Spinal Cord Injury community. 
Dana has also recently written an e-book expanding on one of her most popular blog posts, and I promise you-- you don’t want to miss it.  She wrote it specifically with care-givers in mind, and if are caring for someone physically, or know someone who is, please tell them about this book.   It is empathic, encouraging, and most of all it is empowering.  You will see yourself in Dana’s words, and you will know you’re not alone.
But anyone will enjoy this ebook too. Because it’s Dana’s story in a nutshell, told in her engaging, honest voice. It’s the story of falling in love with someone you never dreamed of, but how it ended up being the perfect fit.  It’s the story of grief and pain and the unexpected.  But, of how God’s mercy and kindness is most often found in those very things.  It’s a love story.  Not just of Dana and the way she cares for Michael, but of Michael’s tender care for her as well, and how they’ve learned to come together as a team, no matter what.
And what a team they are.  Get Dana’s e-book, then follow their blog.  You won’t be sorry.  You’ll smile, be encouraged, and meet two wonderful new friends along the way.

Download the ebook here:  www.caregivingmanifesto.com

Our Year (Photo Book style!)

Well.  This has officially been the longest I have ever gone without posting on my blog since I started writing it back in 2008.  Not because there's been a lack of things to talk about, but more because that new pain I mentioned in this post?  It hasn't gone away.  And on this blog, I've always been totally honest about all my physical problems.  Heck, it's the reason I started this blog in the first place. But ya'll. I just haven't wanted to talk about it.
That's really why I've been gone.
And I still don't want to talk about it!
So, if you don't mind...I need to give myself permission to not pour out every single issue with my back on here for a while.  If something big happens, I will (probably) post about it, but until then I need the freedom to talk about other things.
So, let me show you the Photo Book I just completed for last year!
A little background: it just so happens that since Andrew and I met, I've kept photo albums every year. It started as simply as me loving to take pictures and just needing a place to put them. But since we are going on 12 YEARS married next July, my annual albums are quite an impressive feat! And very fun to look back on and remember.
Last year was the first time I did it digitally and it turned out great.  Working online works well for me since I spend way more time than the average 34 year old woman resting in bed. 
I worked crazy hard on this one, I'm not gonna lie. :) But I was really happy with the way it turned out.  Can't wait to get it in the mail. Take a look!

Click here to view this photo book larger

Visit Shutterfly.com to create your own personalized photobook.

My Fun Little Opportunity, All Because of this Here Blog

It was kind of funny. A few months ago, I noticed a comment on here from a sweet lady named Rhonda who said she'd like to discuss a writing opportunity with me, so if I was interested would I please email her?

For a split second I thought "hmmmm...that'd be cool!," then I quickly wrote if off assuming that since (by design) I do not promote this blog nor do I have any sort of huge following or something, she probably didn't really mean it.

But later, my one consistent blog commenter (*waving* Hi Katie!! :) had seen the comment too and asked me about it. So I decided to send an email, just in case....
And lo and behold, it was for real!  Rhonda is the editor of a Heart Magazine and she had seen my little story and video about memorizing Psalm 139 and asked if I'd be interested in writing an article for about how the Psalms have shaped my life. 
Well, I'll be...

What a wonderful time I had doing it! I really, truly do have quite a tale to tell about this, and I am thrilled for the opportunity to share it. 

Thank you, Rhonda.  This was so fun, and your magazine looks awesome. God's continued blessing to you and yours.

You can read my article at the link below on pages 8-10: (it may take a sec to download...)

http://heartmagazineonline.com/?page_id=2

My Favs: Summer Edition

Here are a few of my favorite things this summer.....
1). Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (and Other Concerns) and I Feel Bad About My Neck
I am a fan of the humorous essay, and both these authors do it really well.  Having a book of easy to read chapters is the perfect addition to any bedside table, and the whimsy and wit of both writers is a rare gift-- they're funny without being raunchy--and I call that a score.
Best part? Ideal for any time you need something to do, but only have a few minutes.
Down side? Is it cliche to buy a Nora Ephron book the day after her passing?  Probably, but I did it anyway. 

2). Weight Watchers String Cheese
I'm pretty much always watching my weight or straight up counting points on Weight Watchers. So I appreciate a yummy, low cal snack.  These are hands-down my favorite right now.
Best Part? It's the best tasting string cheese on the planet (so many are too cheesy.) Also, they are perfect consistency for optimum stringing. :)
Down Side? I've found that no one can eat string cheese in a delicate fashion.
Where to get it? I've seen them at Super Walmart but not at all grocery stores, so you'll have to check. I usually stock up when I see them.

3). Essie Turquoise and Caico Nail Polish
I'm can be a very boring person when it comes to toenail color.  I choose deep wine shades (and french manicures when done professionally) and that's about it.  The one time branched out and tried a "Navy Blue" that I hoped would look cute with jeans, it made my feet look purple and sickly. BUT THIS FUN, BREEZY AQUA IS PERFECT! Every time I look at my feet, I smile.
Best Part? It stays on with out chipping for-ever.  I mean really forever.  You will have to redo your nails because of growth before chipping. And I call that another score.
Down Side?  The consistency is thin you have to be careful of dripping and apply several coats. But my uber sylish sister-in-law (in the pic with me below) confirmed that the thinness is what makes it stay on so well. Alrighty then, I'll take it!
Where? Got mine at Target.

4). Neutrogena Build A Tan Sunless Tanning Lotion
This Florida girl has never tried a self-tanner.  I've been too traumatised by stories of streaks and orange hands and I love to lay by a pool anyway--so I've never felt the need.  Until I realized that I'm not a teenager anymore and that the world doesn't revolve around my relaxing and beach going. SO... I started small, and ya'll-- I'm in love.  I may never lay out again.
Best Part?  It goes on in one easy coat and gives a perfect, natural, healthy glow.
Down Side? I usually only put on one quick coat so if I shower the next day it will fade and I'll have to reapply.
Where? I got mine at Target. I love Target.

I'm wearing it in this pic.  Pretty natural, right?

 

5). Publix Deli Chips and Salsa
This picture does not do this dip justice. Oh, how I wish I could give you a sample--because I'm sure you would do just what my friend Summer did after she tried it--stop on the way home to buy yourself some.  It's chopped and assembled fresh in the deli and I'm telling you people, it will forever change your chips and salsa experience.  And I do love me a good chips and salsa experience.
Best Part? It's scrumptious, sweet, and ZERO Weight Watchers Points.
Down Side?  You can only buy it at Publix.
Where?  By the packaged cheeses and meats in the Deli selection.
I'm going to go eat some right now.

Hope you're having a good summer! Any favs you want to share with me?

Acting, Voice Over, and a Whole Lotta Trust

I'm starting this story at the end, with a picture of my Bible--open to Psalm 116--laying on the floor in my Voice Over studio.

I'm sure that sentence makes no sense, so let me start at the beginning.
It's been a crazy past few months with lots of highs and several lows.
Since I most often write about my back stuff here (so honored you bear with me! I write for myself but am grateful for each of you who read along), I've never written about the Voice Over work I've been getting into over the past 8 months or so.  I thought about it, but didn't know where to start.   Then (as usual) my back stuff got intertwined and *poof!* a blog post was born. :)
So here we are.
But it's kind of a long story. 
And to understand it completely, I must to rewind to the very beginning, that laid it's roots years ago.
Once upon a time, I loved theater and acting (and I was rather good at it too.) I don't say that to boast, just to help better explain how deep-seated some of my recent struggles are. Acting is the one talent I have that, from the time I was a kid, has always come naturally. I adore it, and for the most part, have had some fantastic opportunities with it too, usually receiving consistent, positive feedback from directors and others I've worked with.
But, over the last decade or so a pattern started to develop.  Time and time again, when different roles or open doors came my way, I'd only to be able to go so far with them before it was thwarted by my back problems.
Two examples include:
1) Landing my dream job at Disney, working there for a while, making plans to move up with the company, only have to quit due to physical stamina and an immanent back surgery.
2) Getting my second professional acting job, only to throw my back out so badly that I later had to decline their offer.
I could literally go on and on with examples like this, but these are two of the most devastating.
Not very long after both of those happened, I figured it was time to just move on to the next big "plan" on my (emphasis on the my :) life's agenda: having children and being a stay-at-home mom.   I knew acting would always be there.
So we had SaraRose (which for the record, is the best thing we've ever done, and why I want another! :)  But no one could have predicted how bad my back problems would get after that.  Three major surgeries later, and I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to act again (so much of acting is physical), or have any more children.
Whew. Those are some tough pills to swallow, let me tell you.
Most of this blog over the years has chronicled me working thru some of that.  I remember writing this post which summed up the one major question I had now that life looked so....different.
I have always been the kind of person who loves, almost needs, to have something new on the horizon--it's part of who I am, what gives me joy.  So it was really disorienting to look at the future with a bleak "what now?"
So, I decided to really pray.  I don't want to sound super spiritual or something, but around September, I even pulled a Jerry Fallwell and started fasting....I was just so desolate and desperate for God to speak and lead me.
And WOW. Did He ever! (there is something to fasting, ya'll--God can move).
In a very miraculous way that I won't go into now, God led me to pursue Voice Over work....
and I absolutely love it.
It seems to be the perfect fit, melding my love for acting (without having to use my body), and the ability to work and rest as needed.
God has opened wide every door, hooking me up with classes and critiques from professionals,  providing the finances to set up a small recording studio in our home, and even connecting me with a Voice Over artist in the area, Sean Caldwell, who does amazing work, and has offered mentor me. Wow.  And all of this is just since early this year.  Overwhelming and so, so awesome (there aren't really enough adjectives appropriate here!)

**On an different note, but a just-as-miraculous one, around this same time, God gave my husband a new job that is layered with blessings for our family.   We've been praying for 9 years for a new job like this for him, and are still pinching ourselves it's come true!**
God had been so good to us. He had answered monumental prayers.
It seemed like things were starting to make a little sense. I was believing God is alive and active more than I ever have. I was feeling more confident and in control than I had in years.  I was finally looking toward the future with hope!
I even took down my faith poster!!
But then. 
Don't you just know Satan was crouching, waiting to pounce on that one? YEA.
Well, pounce he did.
Out of no where and with a vengeance, I started having a terrible new back and leg pain. There were days I could hardly walk.  Before I knew it, old wounds reopened, and I found myself questioning, "Why do I even bother? I know the way this all turns out. Why do I ever get my hopes up? Haven't I learned my lesson? This is just going to be another pitiful, painful end" and on and on it spiraled. 
Even with all God had done, I shut down.
I stopped pursuing meetings with Sean, and I didn't even open the door to my studio.  It all just hurt too much. Stopping completely was my only coping mechanism.
Days and weeks went by. 
I lay in bed, defeated, and told the Lord I was over it.  
But I did continue to pray.  There's not much else to do when you're stuck in bed :)......but mostly because I fully believe in it's power--how could I not after all I've seen this year?
Then one night, my dad (what would I do without my dad?), came over and I mentioned to him my struggles.  As always, he helped me with my perspective, and I felt the load lessen a bit.  Then I reached out to some friends who came over and prayed with me.  A few days after that, my dear confidante, Terrie Scott, popped in to say good-bye, and I mentioned it to her as well.  She gave me some good things to think about and is the one who suggested I straight-up put a Bible in my studio as a reminder of Who's in control of all this to begin with.   I thought that was a great idea.
Then God (who I'm learning never moves as quickly as I want Him to :), dropped two new Voice Over scripts--with a deadline--smack-dab in my lap. It was very unexpected-- I had put forth no effort to find work.  But it was just what I needed to, pain or no pain, open up the studio door, and start recording again.  I even called Sean and we worked together twice this week.
I have had a blast.

The pain is still there. It's not as oppressive as it was, but it's still enough to make me nervous.  I don't know what it means...and I don't know if I want to. 
But I do know that when it comes to Voice Over, I'm going to try my best to keep on going, regardless of the pain or all my wounds and worries.  
God's gave this to me as an answer and a gift, that much I know.
And I have so much fun doing it!  I also have some cool opportunities coming up, so really, that is far as I need to focus. 
I don't know if it will all crumble, I don't know if I will have to give it up.
Heck, I don't know if things won't keep moving in a positive direction!
But I do know that God is keeping me reliant on Him.  Much like Jacob with his limp, and Paul with his proverbial thorn in the flesh, I'm never too far from humility and being desperate for the Lord. I've always wanted to live from a place like that,  I just never dreamed it would come like this. Or be this hard!  So hard I would have to keep a literal Bible close by for support!  But hey, whatever it takes. I need all the reminders I can get that God is bigger than my fears.
PS. I tried to attach some audio so you could hear some of my work, (seems mean to talk about Voice Over without something to listen to), but I couldn't figure it out. There is so much to the technical side I'm learning. I will as soon as I do!

Have You Ever Seen a Cat's Eyes in the Dark?

This is so opposite from the things I usually post here, but this is awesome and I seriously cannot stop laughing watching it. I am compelled to spread the love. My favorite is the snapping and whistle playing in the middle. :)
Also, I adore Mr. Rogers.